Friday, March 09, 2007
Queen of the Money-Worship World
Yesterday I regaled you with tales of Chinese restaurants, but there are more comestible adventures to be shared. Because although my stomach has been (more than) adequately stuffed at each meal, I have a deep-down body thirst for cold drinks that is apparently alien to the Chinese palate. At several meals, the only liquid sustenance whatsoever was millet broth, and otherwise only hot tea. Now, I love me some millet broth and hot tea, but dagnabbit, I neeeeeeeeeed chilled beverages. I need them or I will explode. With this in mind, I finally decided to break the cycle of hotel to work and back and venture into the outside world to find a convenience store or market or something like that. Lacking even the most basic knowledge necessary to read the local signs, I had to resort to more…unorthodox store-finding methods. Basically, I kept close watch on all the people around me, until I finally passed a region where I saw people carrying food, apparently freshly-bought, in plastic bags. I lurked around the area for a while, observing their movements, until finally I saw some folks entering the large building most food-bearers appeared to be coming out of and stalked them right in. Entering the store, it appeared to be a Beijing version of Wal-Mart or Target. Despite circling the entirety of its floorspace, I could find no food, not even the carbonated beverages by the checkout that might be available in a typical American department store. Eventually, I gave up and went out. I had the vague idea that there might be groceries on another level of the building, but despite looking around for stairs for several minutes outside, I could find nothing except the entrance to a furniture store on the second floor. And so I went further down the street, until I came to a stretch of hotels and highways devoid of any consumer interest, crossed the street, and walked back along the other side. Finally, I was about to hit the corner that my own hotel was on, but an overwhelming, rasping thirst still gnawed at me, and I was haunted by confusion concerning the food people coming out of the department store. Thus, I decided to try my luck again. This time, my stalking was more focused: rather than simply following someone in, I hunted them until I saw a person take a supermarket-style shopping cart. I followed this person through the labyrinthean interior of the store until they disappeared into a darkened corner at the back. Walking over to this corner, I saw that it revealed a nearly invisible downward-sloping moving walkway into the basement. I took it down, and found myself amidst a bustling butchery section, with skinned ducks and rabbits hanging all about. Success, at last! The beverages were plentiful and sundry, and I picked up several bottles of iced tea, Fanta (which, again, is always better abroad than in the U.S.), and bizarre Coke and Pepsi cans with what appeared to be male models dressed in demonic bondage gear on them. Additionally, I was able to sample the local potato chip flavors, including such oddities as “Green Cucumber Flavor”, “Spicy Kimchee Flavor”, “26% Beefsteak Flavor”, and my all-time favorite, “Finger-Licking Braised Pork Flavor”, whose ingredients included “spices” and “flavors”. Oooh, mysterious, but they aren’t very well going to give away what secret ingredients give it the additional “Finger-Licking” kick. I also got a number of hawthorn-flavored candies. Round here, they’re all about the hawthorn flavor. I don’t know why we don’t have it so much in America, as it’s really good, but it seems like each country has some berry that it uses to the exclusion of other nations. Also in plentiful supply: cheeeeeeeeap hooooooch. I bought a bottle of wine called “Foreign Girl” for the price of nearly a buck fifty American, mainly because of the hilarious label, which mentioned the wine’s “nut rition”, the presence of “microelements”, and the fact that it “moistens the lungs and enriches the” (sic, it just ends there, without revealing what it enriches). I got another oddly labeled intoxicating beverage, but this one was for BALLERS ONLY: Miranda! The label claimed it was the “Queen of the Money-Worship World”, and it retailed for the exorbitant price of over 100 yuan (roughly 12 American dollars!) Needless to say, I had plenty of yuan that had been intended for meals burning a hole in my pockets, so I was flashing cash and talking trash like it was my business, and it was time to show the Money-Worship World what’s what.
Yesterday I regaled you with tales of Chinese restaurants, but there are more comestible adventures to be shared. Because although my stomach has been (more than) adequately stuffed at each meal, I have a deep-down body thirst for cold drinks that is apparently alien to the Chinese palate. At several meals, the only liquid sustenance whatsoever was millet broth, and otherwise only hot tea. Now, I love me some millet broth and hot tea, but dagnabbit, I neeeeeeeeeed chilled beverages. I need them or I will explode. With this in mind, I finally decided to break the cycle of hotel to work and back and venture into the outside world to find a convenience store or market or something like that. Lacking even the most basic knowledge necessary to read the local signs, I had to resort to more…unorthodox store-finding methods. Basically, I kept close watch on all the people around me, until I finally passed a region where I saw people carrying food, apparently freshly-bought, in plastic bags. I lurked around the area for a while, observing their movements, until finally I saw some folks entering the large building most food-bearers appeared to be coming out of and stalked them right in. Entering the store, it appeared to be a Beijing version of Wal-Mart or Target. Despite circling the entirety of its floorspace, I could find no food, not even the carbonated beverages by the checkout that might be available in a typical American department store. Eventually, I gave up and went out. I had the vague idea that there might be groceries on another level of the building, but despite looking around for stairs for several minutes outside, I could find nothing except the entrance to a furniture store on the second floor. And so I went further down the street, until I came to a stretch of hotels and highways devoid of any consumer interest, crossed the street, and walked back along the other side. Finally, I was about to hit the corner that my own hotel was on, but an overwhelming, rasping thirst still gnawed at me, and I was haunted by confusion concerning the food people coming out of the department store. Thus, I decided to try my luck again. This time, my stalking was more focused: rather than simply following someone in, I hunted them until I saw a person take a supermarket-style shopping cart. I followed this person through the labyrinthean interior of the store until they disappeared into a darkened corner at the back. Walking over to this corner, I saw that it revealed a nearly invisible downward-sloping moving walkway into the basement. I took it down, and found myself amidst a bustling butchery section, with skinned ducks and rabbits hanging all about. Success, at last! The beverages were plentiful and sundry, and I picked up several bottles of iced tea, Fanta (which, again, is always better abroad than in the U.S.), and bizarre Coke and Pepsi cans with what appeared to be male models dressed in demonic bondage gear on them. Additionally, I was able to sample the local potato chip flavors, including such oddities as “Green Cucumber Flavor”, “Spicy Kimchee Flavor”, “26% Beefsteak Flavor”, and my all-time favorite, “Finger-Licking Braised Pork Flavor”, whose ingredients included “spices” and “flavors”. Oooh, mysterious, but they aren’t very well going to give away what secret ingredients give it the additional “Finger-Licking” kick. I also got a number of hawthorn-flavored candies. Round here, they’re all about the hawthorn flavor. I don’t know why we don’t have it so much in America, as it’s really good, but it seems like each country has some berry that it uses to the exclusion of other nations. Also in plentiful supply: cheeeeeeeeap hooooooch. I bought a bottle of wine called “Foreign Girl” for the price of nearly a buck fifty American, mainly because of the hilarious label, which mentioned the wine’s “nut rition”, the presence of “microelements”, and the fact that it “moistens the lungs and enriches the” (sic, it just ends there, without revealing what it enriches). I got another oddly labeled intoxicating beverage, but this one was for BALLERS ONLY: Miranda! The label claimed it was the “Queen of the Money-Worship World”, and it retailed for the exorbitant price of over 100 yuan (roughly 12 American dollars!) Needless to say, I had plenty of yuan that had been intended for meals burning a hole in my pockets, so I was flashing cash and talking trash like it was my business, and it was time to show the Money-Worship World what’s what.
Comments:
Now who else could make finding a grocery store sound like and epic adventure with comic elements?
Would love to see a pic of those coke cans.
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Would love to see a pic of those coke cans.
