Sunday, October 01, 2006
Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom Moskau
At last, I’ve gotten around to doing most of the “must-do” visitations ‘round here. Not that it was easy, let me tell you. (Because nothing is here.) Seeing Lenin, for instance. Saturday I got on line to see ‘im, waited for an hour, and then, when I was second in line to enter the gate, the guard announced that there would be no more Lenin for the day. While I can’t say I was surprised by this turn of events, this did not diminish my anger regarding the situation. (And the worst thing was that people in tour groups took big-league cutsies ahead of me. If you tried to pull that sort of crap in Stalin’s day you would be shot on sight.) Having been denied Lenin, I tried to get in to see St. Basil’s, only to learn that the whole area around Red Square was cordoned off for the day. By this point there was not enough time to go to the Kremlin and hoof it crosstown for the Cat Circus that my companion and I were very intent on seeing (I’ve seen the only other purported trained cat show in Key West, and I wanted to complete the set. I’m going to say the Key West one was better.) And after the Cat Circus, well, the night was pretty much dead. So with only one day of sightseeing time left, a significantly earlier embroilment in the Lenin line was undertaken, and sure enough, we finally got to see his waxy, wispy body. Lenin’s tomb was easily the cleanest spot I’ve seen in this country. After you see Lenin, you are funneled out towards the southern reaches of Red Square, where St. Basil’s is, so we took the opportunity to check that out too. Very cool, although between this and the Tretyakov Gallery I’m a little iconed out. Then all that remained of the heavy hitters in central Moscow was the Kremlin, with its labyrinthean cathedrals and the world’s largest (but completely nonfunctional) bell and cannon (so large that the bit that broke out of the rim of the bell weighs 11 tons.) We walk over to the ticket booth, only to be greeted with: “Kremlin closed for all but tour groups today.” Ooooooh, I hate me some tour groups! Left with the afternoon open and uncertain what to do, we decided to hit up some of the more underappreciated Russian museums, like the powerfully sad Zoological Museum. This place had, bar none, the crappiest taxidermy I’ve ever seen. Some of the animals had limb bones twisted around in completely impossible positions, and the visible stitches on the large mammal specimens gave the whole place a rather Frankensteinian bent. That said, some of the mounts were awesome in their insanity, like a mongoose taking on two cobras at once and a pair of weasels bringing down a deer by leaping at the jugular (!!!). After the Zoological Museum, we decided that there would be only one place that could outdo it for sheer lameness: the Moscow Museum of Unique Dolls. Alas, after a lengthy walk to the site, it was revealed to be closed and undergoing renovation. Unique dolls, why must you elude me so?
Moskau! Moskau! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, HEY!
At last, I’ve gotten around to doing most of the “must-do” visitations ‘round here. Not that it was easy, let me tell you. (Because nothing is here.) Seeing Lenin, for instance. Saturday I got on line to see ‘im, waited for an hour, and then, when I was second in line to enter the gate, the guard announced that there would be no more Lenin for the day. While I can’t say I was surprised by this turn of events, this did not diminish my anger regarding the situation. (And the worst thing was that people in tour groups took big-league cutsies ahead of me. If you tried to pull that sort of crap in Stalin’s day you would be shot on sight.) Having been denied Lenin, I tried to get in to see St. Basil’s, only to learn that the whole area around Red Square was cordoned off for the day. By this point there was not enough time to go to the Kremlin and hoof it crosstown for the Cat Circus that my companion and I were very intent on seeing (I’ve seen the only other purported trained cat show in Key West, and I wanted to complete the set. I’m going to say the Key West one was better.) And after the Cat Circus, well, the night was pretty much dead. So with only one day of sightseeing time left, a significantly earlier embroilment in the Lenin line was undertaken, and sure enough, we finally got to see his waxy, wispy body. Lenin’s tomb was easily the cleanest spot I’ve seen in this country. After you see Lenin, you are funneled out towards the southern reaches of Red Square, where St. Basil’s is, so we took the opportunity to check that out too. Very cool, although between this and the Tretyakov Gallery I’m a little iconed out. Then all that remained of the heavy hitters in central Moscow was the Kremlin, with its labyrinthean cathedrals and the world’s largest (but completely nonfunctional) bell and cannon (so large that the bit that broke out of the rim of the bell weighs 11 tons.) We walk over to the ticket booth, only to be greeted with: “Kremlin closed for all but tour groups today.” Ooooooh, I hate me some tour groups! Left with the afternoon open and uncertain what to do, we decided to hit up some of the more underappreciated Russian museums, like the powerfully sad Zoological Museum. This place had, bar none, the crappiest taxidermy I’ve ever seen. Some of the animals had limb bones twisted around in completely impossible positions, and the visible stitches on the large mammal specimens gave the whole place a rather Frankensteinian bent. That said, some of the mounts were awesome in their insanity, like a mongoose taking on two cobras at once and a pair of weasels bringing down a deer by leaping at the jugular (!!!). After the Zoological Museum, we decided that there would be only one place that could outdo it for sheer lameness: the Moscow Museum of Unique Dolls. Alas, after a lengthy walk to the site, it was revealed to be closed and undergoing renovation. Unique dolls, why must you elude me so?
Moskau! Moskau! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, HEY!
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