Small Shelly Fauna

Deep within the Hoopla

These are times of political tribulation, and a great deal of blood and verbiage has been spilled on the pros and cons of various stances and initiatives. All of this debate and battle overlooks the real problem, however: not what we fight over, but how we fight. All the warfare and rhetoric in the world will not settle an issue definitively--there will always be strife sown among one side or the other--and God has been painfully reticent in dispensing Divine Truths to put our questions to rest. There’s only one answer: a good old-fashioned battle of the bands. Yea, let our sociopolitical concerns be rendered unto a kickin’ bassline, and may the awesome power of ROCK serve as tribunal. Let us see how this new method of problem-solving can be applied to a series of great problems from the latter half of the 20th century with historical and continuing import:

TOPIC: THE AMERICAN SOUTH

CON: Neil Young, “Southern Man”
Testimony from the prosecution:
“Southern man better keep your head
Don’t forget what your good book said
Southern change gonna come at last
Now your crosses are burning fast”

PRO: Lynyrd Skynyrd, “Sweet Home Alabama”
Testimony from the defense:
“In Birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?”

This is the only battle where one of the songs directly addresses its counterpart. One of the stanzas of “Sweet Home Alabama” contains the lyrics, “Well I heard Mr. Young sing about us/I heard old Neil put us down/Well Mr. Neil Young can remember/A southern man don’t need him around anyhow.” The perceived enmity between Young and Skynyrd is legendary, and has been the source of much musicohistorical debate. Intepretations of the feud range from “good-nature ribbing” (likely) to “outright hatred.” Equally contentious is the nature of “Sweet Home Alabama”: while Young’s lyrics are an obvious indictment of the legacy of civil rights abuse in the region, the sheer bragadoccio of Skynyrd’s reply has been interpreted by some as smacking of self-aware sarcasm. Taken at face value, the lyrics both imply support for George Wallace (the segregationist former governor of Alabama) and a casual indifference to massive governmental corruption. Subsequent interviews supply ample evidence for a jocular bent to the song, however, accepting Young’s criticism of Southern racism but at the same time mocking the conception of all southerners as idiot hicks. Within the strictures of the present analysis, however, the verbal beef is a non-issue. What about the tunes? Let’s see here, one of the most rockingly recognizable openings in musical history versus the shrill whine of Neil Young, which sounds like nothing so much as the sound of a mongoose being raped? Flawless victory for the American South.

VERDICT: PRO SOUTH

TOPIC: ILLEGAL DRUG USE

PRO: Eric Clapton/J.J. Cale, “Cocaine”
Testimony from the defense:
“If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues: cocaine
When your day is done and you wanna run: cocaine
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie: cocaine.”

CON: Rolling Stones, “Mother’s Little Helper”
Testimony from the prosecution:
“And if you take more of those, you will get an overdose
No more running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
They just helped you on your way through your busy dying day”

Trinity as they are, it is difficult to imagine rock’n’roll turning against its companions sex and drugs. And for the most part, that’s true, especially considering that, for the most part, people sing about what they know, and if there’s one thing rockers know, it’s heavy abuse of controlled substances. With the countless stoner ballads and needle-high paeans, though, there also come the haunted tales of overdose and withdrawal. So which one wins out? While I believe the prosecution to be more rocking in this case, I still have to hand the victory to the defense. See, even when they’re singing against drug use, the Stones still manage to make it sound wickedly cool. It may be more problematic if you’re a middle-aged housewife suffering from a mental breakdown, but that’s all the more reason to live fast and die young.

VERDICT: PRO DRUGS

TOPIC: THE WAR IN IRAQ

PRO: Charlie Daniels, “This Ain’t No Rag, It’s a Flag”
Testimony from the defense:
“This ain't no rag it's a flag
And we don't wear it on our heads
It's a symbol of the land where the good guys live
Are you listening to what I said?”

CON: Willie Nelson, “Whatever Happened to Peace on Earth?”
Testimony from the prosecution:
“There's so many things going on in the world
Babies dying, mothers crying
How much oil is one human life worth
And what ever happened to peace on earth?”

Have at it, you redneck geezers! We all know what Rage Against the Machine or Radiohead would say about the Iraq war, but the forefront of musical input on our current military actions is undeniably in the Country community. It should be noted that Daniels’ contribution to the “pro war” country music juggernaut is not even the most extreme statement on the matter (that title has to go to Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (Angry American)” with its lyrics: “Justice will be served/And the battle will rage/This big dog will fight/When you rattle his cage/And you'll be sorry that you messed with/The U.S. of A./'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass/It's the American way”). That said, I wanted to put the two competitors on roughly even footing in terms of generation and both having legendary country status. Legend status or not, neither of these songs is very good. It’s just more of the same old stuff with Daniels, with only the occasional invocation to gun down an Arab making you realize that he’s not singing about his pickup or the quality of his hounds. “This Ain’t a Rag” comes off as so much praline fluff, the country equivalent to overproduced boy band offerings. On the other hand, Nelson milks the maudlin in his lyrics and his accompanying piano tune is quite weak. Nevertheless, his soulful vocals and delightful sendup of modern Americana when he starts talking about believing in his TV give him the edge.

VERDICT: ANTI WAR IN IRAQ

TOPIC: EAST COAST v. WEST COAST

PRO EAST: Daddy-O, “East Coast Funk”
Testimony From Mr. O:
“East coast is funky, so funky
So parlay to the Daddy-O funk
East coast is funky, so funky
So parlay to the Daddy-O funk
Now! Now! Now we gonna show you how the East coast rocks!”

PRO WEST: Tupac Shakur, “California Love”
Testimony from Mr. Shakur:
“Throw it up y'all, throw it up, throw it up!
I can't see ya! (California love!)
Let's show these fools how we do it on this west side
Cause you and I know it's tha best side”

It’s a tough call. Both sides drop beats that command me to move my feet, and though South Central does it like nobody does, there are equally good arguments coming out of Crooklyn and the slums of Shaolin.
VERDICT: DRAW
The true answer here is that neither coast is superior, but rather, as a wise man once said, “East Coast killa, West Coast killa, East Coast West Coast everybody killa.” I will say this, though: you’re not kidding anyone, Nelly. There is no Midwest Coast.

TOPIC: VIETNAM WAR PROTESTS

CON: Merle Haggard, “Okie from Muskogee”
Testimony from the prosecution:
“We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee
We don't take our trips on LSD
We don't burn our draft cards down on Main Street
We like livin' right, and bein' free”

PRO: Neil Young, “Ohio”
Testimony from the defense:
“Tin soldiers and Nixon coming,
We’re finally on our own
This summer I hear the drumming,
Four dead in Ohio”

I’m going to hold off on music addressing the war itself (perhaps for a “Revenge of Historical Musical Battles” feature at some point) so as to focus on the battles being waged on the homefront. On the one hand, the Kent State massacre was a tragic lowlight in American history, and Haggard’s song represents a naïve insularity towards the changing culture. On the other hand, Neil Young sucks.

VERDICT: ANTI NAM PROTESTORS