Saturday, May 22, 2004
They eat horses, don't they?
Theme restaurants are all the rage these days. True, themed restaurants are not a new thing, but their current extent and popularity greatly exceeds those of times past. Also, modern restaurants of this type carry a theme-specificity far greater than ever before. It's all about niche marketing. Especially in large cities, you can get a lot of mileage out of a devoted subsection of the population. One end member of the specificity spectrum is the "single ingredient" restaurant, such as San Francisco's Stinking Rose (motto: "We Season Our Garlic With Food") or Chicago's own late, lamented Mashed Potato Club. One might inquire as to what the difference between a single ingredient restaurant and, say, a hot dog stand is. Both serve one food, right? Well, yes, but in the case of the latter there's no pretense that you're getting anything other than a hot dog. It's not an all-encompassing dining experience, it's a hot dog. Good for a nosh, but hardly able to make a Manwich into a meal. With single ingredient restaurants, however, the idea is that one foodstuff can serve as the basis for the entire meal. This conceit, scientifically proven by George Washington Carver and made into an art form by the Iron Chefs, gains ground among jaded gourmands with each passing year.
So I figure it's time for me to get in on the theme restaurant boom. And I've got a million-dollar idea that's sure to sweep the nation's tastebuds. Ladies, gentlemen, I give you...
The Equestriaunt
America's first all horse-meat restaurant! Now, I realize that there's a lot of opposition to horse-eating in these parts. For one thing, horse meat is widely considered to be tough and tasteless. Eating horses brings to mind the desperation of starving cavalry rather than gourmet cooking. And, who could forget Rodney Dangerfield's Caddyshack complaint that, "This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it!" This is a misconception based on improper preparation and consuming withered old nags rather than prime-grade meat stallions. Like venison, when dealt with correctly horseflesh can be a gastronomic delight. For another thing, though, the "pet" status of horses keeps many from getting into the right frame of mind to eat them. Unlike cows which, if they ever got the chance, would eat you and everyone you care about, we tend to view horses as noble riding companions, friends of mankind. I can envision some difficulty in taking one's 9 year old daughter to go "eat some ponies!"
Despite these difficulties, I believe the Equestriaunt can be a successful reality. In other countries, mostly in Europe and Japan, horse-eating is commonplace, with a number of beloved, traditional dishes composed of horse. Rest assured that all will make an appearance in the Equestriaunt, from bakushi (Japanese grilled, skewered horseflesh) to Romanian meatballs. I may draw the line at karta (a Kazakhstani dish composed of peppered horse rectum), however. Getting a hold of large quantities of horse meat should not be a problem. According to the USDA, 50,062 equines (including donkeys and mules) were slaughtered for food in 2003. (The vast majority of this stock was shipped overseas.) And now is the ideal time to get in on some horse butcher action. Concerns over mad cow disease continue to rise, but at the same time the nation is in the grips of the (rather insane) no-carb, mo' meat diet craze. Enter: The Equestriaunt.
And it will be glorious. The bread will be made of ground-up equine bones mixed into the flour! The plates and silverware will also be constructed out of carved bones. The walls will be adorned with Triple Crown highlight photos, real classy-like. For the kiddies, I'll put together "Evolution of Deliciousness" placemats showing equid consumption over the ages, from Eohippus falling prey to massive birds to Hipparion getting a pair of saber-teeth in the ol' jugular.
Join me, won't you, in carving a brighter future through horse meat today!
"Welcome to the Equestriaunt...out of the glue factory and into your mouth!"
Theme restaurants are all the rage these days. True, themed restaurants are not a new thing, but their current extent and popularity greatly exceeds those of times past. Also, modern restaurants of this type carry a theme-specificity far greater than ever before. It's all about niche marketing. Especially in large cities, you can get a lot of mileage out of a devoted subsection of the population. One end member of the specificity spectrum is the "single ingredient" restaurant, such as San Francisco's Stinking Rose (motto: "We Season Our Garlic With Food") or Chicago's own late, lamented Mashed Potato Club. One might inquire as to what the difference between a single ingredient restaurant and, say, a hot dog stand is. Both serve one food, right? Well, yes, but in the case of the latter there's no pretense that you're getting anything other than a hot dog. It's not an all-encompassing dining experience, it's a hot dog. Good for a nosh, but hardly able to make a Manwich into a meal. With single ingredient restaurants, however, the idea is that one foodstuff can serve as the basis for the entire meal. This conceit, scientifically proven by George Washington Carver and made into an art form by the Iron Chefs, gains ground among jaded gourmands with each passing year.
So I figure it's time for me to get in on the theme restaurant boom. And I've got a million-dollar idea that's sure to sweep the nation's tastebuds. Ladies, gentlemen, I give you...
The Equestriaunt
America's first all horse-meat restaurant! Now, I realize that there's a lot of opposition to horse-eating in these parts. For one thing, horse meat is widely considered to be tough and tasteless. Eating horses brings to mind the desperation of starving cavalry rather than gourmet cooking. And, who could forget Rodney Dangerfield's Caddyshack complaint that, "This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it!" This is a misconception based on improper preparation and consuming withered old nags rather than prime-grade meat stallions. Like venison, when dealt with correctly horseflesh can be a gastronomic delight. For another thing, though, the "pet" status of horses keeps many from getting into the right frame of mind to eat them. Unlike cows which, if they ever got the chance, would eat you and everyone you care about, we tend to view horses as noble riding companions, friends of mankind. I can envision some difficulty in taking one's 9 year old daughter to go "eat some ponies!"
Despite these difficulties, I believe the Equestriaunt can be a successful reality. In other countries, mostly in Europe and Japan, horse-eating is commonplace, with a number of beloved, traditional dishes composed of horse. Rest assured that all will make an appearance in the Equestriaunt, from bakushi (Japanese grilled, skewered horseflesh) to Romanian meatballs. I may draw the line at karta (a Kazakhstani dish composed of peppered horse rectum), however. Getting a hold of large quantities of horse meat should not be a problem. According to the USDA, 50,062 equines (including donkeys and mules) were slaughtered for food in 2003. (The vast majority of this stock was shipped overseas.) And now is the ideal time to get in on some horse butcher action. Concerns over mad cow disease continue to rise, but at the same time the nation is in the grips of the (rather insane) no-carb, mo' meat diet craze. Enter: The Equestriaunt.
And it will be glorious. The bread will be made of ground-up equine bones mixed into the flour! The plates and silverware will also be constructed out of carved bones. The walls will be adorned with Triple Crown highlight photos, real classy-like. For the kiddies, I'll put together "Evolution of Deliciousness" placemats showing equid consumption over the ages, from Eohippus falling prey to massive birds to Hipparion getting a pair of saber-teeth in the ol' jugular.
Join me, won't you, in carving a brighter future through horse meat today!
"Welcome to the Equestriaunt...out of the glue factory and into your mouth!"
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